growth ♡

 Hello!

i’m finally back writing blog posts and hopefully going to be able to get all glammed up more often again, the past few weeks have just been HECTIC 

i’ve just been living in casual co*des and makeup recently, nothing very exciting so i felt a bit demotivated to post much

finally i got the weekend off again and felt really inspired last week to plan a look based off of bladee’s visuals and music

here’s the face chart and finished look! 

all in all i think it only took about 3 hours from start to finish and that was with me taking my time and including my hair!

when i finished i kind of wished it took longer bc it was so therapeutic to do! i had a lot of fun creating it 

also bleached my hair again for it bc i’m determined to keep on top of my roots this time

trigger warning: mental health and self harm

(nothing graphic but thought i’d put a warning anyway incase)

i feel like my blog is definitely a nice little bubble for me to post more personal things on

it doesn’t get as many views as instagram and isn’t as super public either, plus everyone’s so lovely i feel more comfortable talking about why i wanted to do a look like this on here! plus as i’m writing this it’s self harm awareness day 

I really did used to adore bladee, yung lean and all that groups music when I was younger, but because of the abusive relationship i was in, people I was surrounded by and the things that were happening to me the music ended up being tied to that in my mind, and I just couldn’t listen to it anymore. it really just made me feel sick especially since they all loved those artists too. when trying to find a way to cope with what was happening i cut off anything i loved at that time and tried to bury it down and forget because i felt like i couldn’t handle it, and i ended up hating myself more for that

recently i noticed so much new music they’d released and decided i’d give it a listen, which lead to listening to all the old albums too, watching interviews and documentaries 

and it was SO. MUCH. FUN. i really really missed out on the music and artists i loved 

it sounds so stupid that just being a fan of some music artists again feels like such a huge step forwards for me, but i’m so proud i did it. i never want to ever let anyone take anything i love out of my life again. 

rediscovering this music, diving head first into gyaru, and working on projects i dreamed of and thought i’d never achieve feels like i’m finally finding myself and taking control of my life back, and this past year especially i feel like i’ve just grown so much past what happened

the memories will always be there, the mental and physical scars will always be there. I used to hate it but the truth is those things will never go away. I genuinely thought i would either be killed or end up killing myself to get out, i had no plans for the future, just existing afterwards felt selfish and like a dream. i didn’t have anything left

But in the past 4 years i’ve managed to build myself a life, found new things i love, reclaimed the things taken from me, i have so many incredible friends, an amazing boyfriend, have so many plans for the future, can’t even remember the last time i hurt myself and fixed the damage caused to the relationship i had with my family from it all. 

and most importantly, i’m not scared anymore. i’m not scared to talk about what happened, i’m not scared to leave my house, and i’m not scared of anyone. Whether i have reason to be afraid or not, i refuse to be scared. 

but i never realised i made any progress at all with getting better and moving forwards in life until i really reflected and thought about how far i’ve come from where i started, and listening to all that music again really made me see the big steps i’ve made without even noticing 

What happened doesn’t dictate who i am, and the thing done to you don’t dictate who you are either. You can hit rock bottom and still pull yourself back

I hope anyone else who went through a similar time in their life and struggled coping with it is treating themselves kindly, you will be okay again. you just need to show yourself the love you need to heal ♡ 

thank you for reading this post! i know it was a heavy topic but i wanted to open up a little bit while keeping it focused on healing rather than the specifics of abuse

i hope if someone finds this post and needs hope that things will get better it can provide that

i’m a little nervous to post this one so will probably wait a couple days before actually posting it, but we’ll see! 

it’s just a bit nerve wracking since i worry people will treat me differently after knowing more of who i used to be and what happened, but being vulnerable sometimes is important

next post will be back to cute co*des and makeup i promise! and i apologise if this post feels like i’m over sharing 

see you next time! ♡